Sunday, March 16, 2008

dreams of my father

Here's an inverse relationship:
The older you get, the less you can dream.

I don't mean you have less time to dream, or that growing up means you have to give up being a dreamer, but just that the older you get, the less dreams there are to dream. For example, when I was in fifth grade I still bought action figures. I remember one day I brought in all of my Batman figures to school for everyone to see. I had two Batmobiles (from Batman and Batman Forever), one Batwing, several versions of Batman, Robin, Two-Face, etc. I remember realizing as I brought in my figures that most kids in sixth and seventh grade didn't collect action figures anymore. I swore that day that I would not let the ebb and flow of society drag me along. I would continue collecting action figures as long as I loved it. I dreamt that as a senior in high school (a near grown-up to a fifth grader) I would still collect them. This dream consisted of a snapshot of my bedroom where I had them displayed and organized across my bookshelves for all the world to see, and I was unashamed. A year later, I no longer collected action figures.

Here's what I mean: When I became a senior in high school, I could no longer dream about being a senior in high school. It was reality, and it was happening. Now, as a 23 year old, there are many things that have already happened that I can no longer dream about. I always imagined what dorm life would be like in college, but I slacked off in high school and didn't get into the schools I wanted to, stayed at home my freshman year and never got to live in a dorm. I could go back to school and live in the dorms if I really wanted to, but, in reality, I need to let that dream go. The opportunity has passed. I used to dream about going to an extremely challenging school (Harvard, Princeton, etc.), and, of course I never expected to, but I still dreamed about what it would be like if I did, just for the fun of it. It's too late now. It would be silly to dream about that now because it's literally impossible. Instead, these old dreams are now replaced by realities. I can either be ashamed of how these realities didn't match up with my dreams, or I can embrace them as a part of who I am, and as experiences that are solely mine.

Dreaming has taken a different shape now that I'm "an adult." It's still fun, and I'll never stop doing it (of course, that's what I said about collecting action figures). In some ways, even though there are less phases and ages of life I can dream about (which are lessening every day), there are almost thousands upon thousands more dreams I can dream now that I'm unencumbered by any life-patterns I'm supposed to follow. I've left behind the student track, if I so desire. The possibilities are now infinite. I could go back to school for the rest of my life, and fill some wall of my future with countless degrees and achievements; I could find a path in life that would make me rich and comfortable; I could choose a career that forces me to pinch every penny for the rest of my life; or I could collect donations using this blog from whoever is willing to pay the Anniversary to reunite for a live performance of 'Designing a Nervous Breakdown.'
In fact, where I am right now might be the most dreamable place I've ever been. In contrast to my fifth grade dream of collecting action figures as a senior in high school, which dreamed I would display in my bedroom, there are now no settings, times, or characters forced upon my dreams. As a fifth grader, I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt, that in seven years I would be a senior in high school; but as a 23 year old, (single) news room intern in Jefferson City, Missouri, my dreams of myself in seven years are completely malleable. I could be anywhere with anyone doing anything.
I could allow this truth to scare me, but, as a dreamer, I'm going to do what dreamers do, and dream.

Of course, I could always just dream about having Totoro as my neighbor; a dream for all ages.


Here is proof that they are attempting to make an Arrested Development movie. Allow this and the next video to make you smile as you remember what it was like to let your television make you truly happy.


Greg said...

sweet dreams

jea n said...

mouse said...

i just saw superbad -- i guess im still young enough to like it