Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Money is one of the seven deadly sins. You know why? Because it's sexy. There's nothing that turns my white bread into texas toast like a twenty dollar bill. So, naturally whenever I turn CNBC on, it returns the favor. If my TV had a homepage I would definitely set it to CNBC. My favorite part of CNBC is when the market opens in the morning. I love watching those happy faces at the Nasdaq and New York Stock Exchange light up when that bell rings at 9:30. Here's the problem: that's the only part of CNBC I understand. After that bell rings and all those suits shout and wave papers at the TV's at the NYSE like they're lost, they lose me. If they didn't have that ticker rolling at the bottom, I'd get bored; not because I understand the ticker, but because it mesmerizes me, and I know that those green plus signs mean money, and, again, I like money. It wasn't until I recently glanced up from the ticker and noticed one of the reporters that my interest in CNBC took a turn. That brings me to one of the other seven deadly sins: women. Put the two sins together and what do you get? Erin Burnett. There's nothing steamier than a fine woman talking about money. I've only recently noticed Erin; she grew on me. We have a 40 inch plasma TV tuned into CNBC 24/7 here in the Missourinet newsroom. It took me about a month to notice her, and when I did, I did what I always do when I have a crush on a woman: I googled and wikied her. As it turns out, Erin has recently written a story for Men's Health (somehow I'm not the only one that has noticed her). In it she divulges 8 ways to impress her. Naturally, I took notes. Here they are:

1. Pack Your Bags
Any guy who can plan a trip to an exotic locale, such as Mongolia, Mozambique, or Papua New Guinea, would impress me.
2. Buy Me a New Atlas and Globe
You could unlock my heart by allowing me to dream up my next trip. I love to travel, and hope to eventually set foot in 100 countries. I have many more to go.
3. Do Something Special for My Parents
Family is important to me, so round-trip business-class tickets to Australia and New Zealand for my parents would earn you big points in my book.
4. Relax Me
Yoga keeps me calm, so I'd be impressed if you thought to send a yoga instructor to my apartment for private sessions.
5. Help Me Work Out
Finding an exercise bike at my door would be great for rainy days when my Raleigh M80 mountain bike and I are stuck indoors.
6. Edify Me
Reading is a passion of mine, so a gathering with a couple of my favorite authors, especially Jared Diamond (Guns, Germs, and Steel) and Robin McKinley (The Blue Sword) would make for an exceptional evening.
7. Please My Palate
Hiring a personal chef to prepare meals for the few nights a week I am home would be unforgettable.
8. Send Me Packing
A man who recognizes the importance of my time with the girls is a keeper. A long weekend spa getaway for my sisters and me would be perfection.

Now, I've seen the online reaction (the best kind there is). Many are calling her a gold digger. If after reading her tips, you're one of these gullible people, stop here. I don't want you to shift your opinion. If I'm the only one that still loves her, then we'll end up together. I'm just playing the odds.

If you're still reading, fine. You fell into her trap. Erin Burnett is actually the most down to earth , girl next door kind of a girl there has ever been. She just wrote this article to get rid of all the admirers. Don't take my word for it. Go next door, ask the girl there what she would do if she became famous and millions of men were going gaga over her? If she's a gold digger, she will say she'd love it. If she's actually the girl next door type, she'll say, "Golly me, I don't think I'd like that. I'd probably try and trick them into hating me." You see?! That's what Erin's doing, and it's not fooling me. I know what she wants. She wants a nice walk on the beach; not in the Caribbean, just the closest one, so as not to waste gas. She doesn't want an Atlas and a globe to plan her next huge trip that you would have to pay for, she just likes geography. When she says she wants you to help her work out, she just wants you to hold her feet down while she does her sit-ups.

She's a simple woman with simple tastes. Think about it, if she was a gold digger and she was writing this article, she would probably write... uh... okay, it might look pretty similar...
Okay, fine! Let her fool you! That'll just leave her to me. I'm okay with that. I'll just run down to Barnes & Noble and get that Atlas. I'll even circle all of the best bargain restaurants in her area before I give it to her. I'm sure that's what she wants. You'll see.


Hey, we all make mistakes.


Greg said...

I just realized how different we are. You watch CNBC everyday with the intent to romance Erin. While I listen to her everyday (via XM radio in my car) to further analyze current market conditions.

Jon Allison said...

if it only took watching a woman to romance her, erin would be puddy in my hands by now